dedicated to mr. templar.  his blog on farts got me reminiscing.

a.  one of the requirements for my hip hop final was a breakdancing pose or move.  the most feasible one for me looked something like this (picture swiped from http://home.swipnet.se/b-boyz/moves.htm): 

for days i would force my not so flexible body into a much less attractive version of this position.  one night, i was in louie's family room practicing and practicing and practicing. claire and he were on they're respective computers, looking up the latest hollywood gossip and yahoo!'s fantasy football league, respectively.  i was trying to get louie to help me, you know.  to hold my legs up, help me get my body into position until i could figure out a comfortable way to hold it.  but he said no and told me to stop, give it a break.  after much pleading and saying, "louie help me!  help!  louie!  help me, please.  louie!"  he finally said okay and got off his computer chair.  so i mustered up my energy and pushed my weight forward as i tried to get my legs in the air. pwwfft.  silence.  five seconds of silence.  until i meekly said, "excuse me."  then laughing.  laughing at me and my severely unfeminine release.  "see? you should stop already," he said.  claire just kept laughing.  louie didn't want to help me anymore after that.  i tried asking again, trying to quiet my embarrassed laughing, and wanting to move on.  i still needed to get the pose down, you know?  of course he said no.

b.  this one day, louie was over at my house and we were talking in the living, sitting far apart because those where the days when my mom was a lot stricter (i didn't hold his hand in front of my parents until 6 months into our relationship).  junior was hanging out with us, too.  because he wasn't allowed to stay at our house very long, louie started getting ready to leave.  he bent down put on his shoes and tie them--i believe they were white k-swisses.  suddenly junior goes up to louie and turns around and farts in his face.  junior then proceeded to laugh and run away.  it was one of those audible and deadly farts.  coming from his quiet and well-mannered family of two children, louie had never experienced anything like that and therefore has a fairly weak stomach when it comes to the nastiness that many siblings force upon each other.  my sisters and brother and i fart on/towards/near each other all the time, so i guess that's why junior thought it'd funny.  i think louie was going to vomit.      

here i am again.  bored.  now that the stress is gone, i don't know what to do with myself.

i did some MLA research because, well, i'm neurotic.  apparently, courier and courier new pt. 12 font is the most commonly used font for manuscripts because it's easy on the eyes.  yes.

was browsing through the usf website and the reality of my graduation started to really sink in when i read that i will be graudation on friday, may 21st, at 9am.  i get 9 guest tickets and they're also gonna televise in a room for people who didn't get tickets to watch. 

louie's still going to be in school--yay cca, boo art academy--and i think i wanna stay in sf with him.  this means i need to find a job.  i'm thinking of just working at usf as a program assistant or something.  i'm not going straight to grad school anymore because i'm tired.  i was thinking of taking a few years off, saving money, taking workshops, and maybe--if i can save up enough--travel somewhere?  working at usf would be good because i'm familiar with it, it's close to where i currently live, and i'd get health benefits and tuition remission.

i actually have homework over winter break.  real homework.  i haven't had to say that since high school.  for my "senior seminar in writing" class, i need to decide whether i want to do prose or poetry and start working on the stuff that's going to make up my 30 page manuscript.  i've done poetry since junior high.  i learned poetry during my third semester of college.  last year was my first dabble at fiction--well since that one "use all the vocabulary words you didn't know from a raisin in the sun and write your own story" assignment in 10th grade.  i took a fiction writing class this semester and finally found a groove in something that i found frustrating and difficult.  so now what was originally an easy choice for me has become not so easy.  that's one of the reasons why i want to go to UTexas, Austin, because their creative writing program allows you to have a major focus and a secondary sub-focus.  but that's probably 3 or 4 years away.  anyone want to make the choice for me?

louie and i spent some time browsing trailers.  movies that i wanna see:  "Troy" (BRAD PITT IS ACHILLES!!!!!!!!), "Along came Polly" (Ben Stiller man!), "The Triplets of Bellville" (a really cool, avante-garde looking cartoon), "The Incredibles" (A Disney Pixar movie about an old superhero), "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (c'mon man it's Harry!  oh man, malfoy looks like he's in the throes of pubescent awkwardness), "Spiderman 2" (because of Dr. Octopus).  i still need to see "Return of the King."  man.  i've heard so many things about it!  definitely do NOT want to see "Garfield," who is played by an animatronic looking semi-realistic ugly cat; and odie is a regular wirehaired daschund (i do hope to own one of those cuties one day, but ODIE! c'mon people!).  "Bad Santa" and "Elf" seem watchable, but the trailers weren't all that.

oh yeah.  i have to do the whole mind enrichment thing, too.  maybe i'll read.  still need to finish steinberg's book.  joel lent me a couple of his sandman books.  and there are those books i bought last summer.      

i really hope i don't have to serve jury duty this winter break.  man.  dec 22?!  no fair.  and when will i get to go christmas shopping?  oh the days when louie and i were done before thanksgiving.

i'm craving ice cream or chocolate chip cookies, mmmmm.  freshly baked cookies.  i haven't baked desserts in my apartment yet.  and to think, i bought this baking set with a muffin pan and a cake pan and a cookie sheet because i was all excited about having my own oven.  i've only baked chicken breasts and salmon and potatoes.  hopefully, with a less-packed schedule next semester, i can play chef more often.

finally.

i finished my paper at around 3:30am last night.  i emailed it to my friend viola, who was turning it in for me.  she finished at around 3am, i think.  sadly, i didn't do as good a job as i should have.  the paper was supposed to be circa 15 pages.  only because i used courier new, point 12 did it become 16 1/2 pages.  using courier new size 11, it would have been barely over 14 pages.  courier new pt 12 is an accepted MLA font for research papers.  but i know that the teachers know that it is a semi-cheater font.  i mean come on, the text height is smaller in comparison, but the leading is way huge.  hopefully we aren't the only two that use that font.  on the last paper, i wrote 4 pages more than it was supposed to be and i got marked down.  why couldn't i have those pages now?!  i guess i could've written a really tight (not in the slang way) paper on two texts, but i was getting tired.  and there wasn't a lot of research out there on the lais of marie de france.  yeah, yeah, yeah.  my fault for procrastinating.  but i tried not to.  but then i changed my topic.  and i had two other finals.  and... and... no more excuses.  hopefully next semester will be less... harsh. 

i'm only going to take 13 or 14 units in this spring (depending on if i decide to take the adv web design class).  the least i've ever taken was 15 units, so i'm kinda excited.  especially after this semester's 18.  i'm still thinking that maybe i should just drop the web design class and coast with 12, since i don't really need the units.  but we'll see i guess.  i'm taking intro to painting, a honors class on the modern period, senior seminar in writing, and intro to web design.  i'm gonna do runaway with words again.  this time it's going to be at a shelter for teenage moms.  i'm looking forward to it.  i guess i'll also be job searching.  i'm thinking of maybe working at usf as support staff.  that would give me time to work on my writing, save some money, and prepare for grad school.  yeah. 

have a 15 page research paper due by the end of today.  i am on page 1 1/3.  i haven't read through all my research.  should've been working on it since 8:30 this morning.  instead i watched daddy day care again.  took a bubble bath.  caught up on some email correspondence and xanga reading.  took a 30 minute nap and almost went back for some more sleeping.  watched all the special features and trailers on the daddy day care dvd.  listened to the jason mraz cd.  went digging in the cupboards and fridge for snacks.  i've read some chapters of one of the 4 books i checked out of the library.  almost finished the intro.  still need to articulate my thesis.  it's my last final but i feel so lazy.  oh well.  must get back to work now.  congratulations to those who are all done with finals--yippee!  hopefully in a few hours i'll be done with mine, too!  man, i'm craving sushi and i just had some futo-maki last night.  you know, i should really take more advantage of the fact that i live almost right above a sushi place.  you know, it's been getting darker and darker and i haven't turned on any lights.  i should go do that now.  and then maybe finish my final so i can go back to vallejo with louie tonight.  or maybe, i'll just email the paper by midnight and drop off a hard copy to her office on friday.  hmmm.  

i guess now that they found him we won't have to worry about the whole no weapons of mass destruction and the forcing troops to stay longer than they were told they would have to stay in iraq... yeah, because they find him hiding in a hole in a farm all ragged and unkempt, everything is better, because the ends always justify the means.  i guess it means that we can forget about the whole occupation thing.  and that we can forget about the troops still in afghanistan... oh and the fact that they are still mowing over villages, bombing children.  it's all okay because they found him.

michelle's baby shower starts in a little bit more than 8 hours.  before then, i need to get some sleep, shower & get ready, pick up balloons, decorate downstairs, prepare some sandwich thingies, and help clean up the house.  oy.  and after the party is clean up and two finals that are due on monday:  one 10pg project for my writing on art and artists class and a 20pg portfolio (plus rough drafts, etc.) for my fiction writing class. and then on wednesday, a 15pg final paper (the research for which i have yet to start) for my honors class.  busy, busy, stress, stress. 

hope everyone else's finals are going well, or at least just going.

i can't believe christmas is almost here.  have not done any shopping.  and get this, i got called for jury duty on Mon Dec 22.  and with that is being on call for 5 days.  granted i probably won't have to show on Dec. 25, but it's just a drag.  blech.  hopefully i can get another postponement or something.

my grandma's fourtieth day is December 27.  two days after Christ's birthday, she's going to join Him.  

on thursday i had to set up my kids' stuff in the gallery, go to dance practice, have dinner with my Runaway with Words ladies, go to a reading, finish my project proposal, finish my journals, prepare a presentation, and start my hip hop final paper.  after crying and having a semi-breakdown, i found another reading on monday night, which would give me a couple extra hours.

yesterday: 
was up until 6am. 
slept and woke up every 20-25 minutes out of panic until 8:15. 
got ready for school, worked on journal some more, was 5 minutes late to my 9am class.
continued to scramble and finish my journal during class and was thankful for the bananas & pretzels my teacher brought. 
presentation ended up taking to long & teacher had a meeting so i stayed in the gallery to wait for him and finish reading my hip hop stuff.  drank a protein berry pizzazz with energy boost as i was starting to feel faint. 
gave my presentation & turned in 30 page proposal & journals. 
walked to the gym to wait for rest of dance group and work on paper.  ended up just making a crap outline and bibliography. 
picked costumes & had practice.  after 3 runthroughs couldn't do the moves anymore, kinda dizzy. 
took shuttle to Lone Mountain hoping to grab food in cafeteria.  ended up buying a sprite (vending machines were out of water) and pretzel/crouton/bread snack bag thing.  headache.  drank water from water fountatin that didn't give enough water.
talked to teacher, will be finishing & emailing paper today.  
watched & danced & watched & danced & watched. 
shoulder hurts from trying to do that damn breaker pose everyday since last friday; painful to rotate or lift left arm. 
finally got real food at like 6:30, mmm leftovers. 
took a nap until 8:00 then drove back to vallejo with louie.  had a mini-breakdown about my grandmother on the way; been having swings from apathy to over-emotionality lately.   

today feels much better although my shoulder is stiff.  not so panicky, though still ketp waking up.  watched most of daddy day care & some kim possible.  caught up on xanga readings.  i'm ready to get on my hip hop paper now.  yay xanga.          

we buried her yesterday at All Souls.  she has a corner lot, next to a memorial bench, by water--it looks kind of like a reservoir--with trees on the other side.  it was really beautiful outside.  during the procession from Twin Chapels to Saint Catherine's, we drove down a tree-lined part of Tennessee Street and there was a breeze that made the golden leaves dance.  after the funeral mass, there was a layer of gold and orange leaves that was like a carpet laid out for her as they brought her casket into the hearse.  it was supposed to rain, but it didn't.  we all feel like she planned everything.  the beautiful day.  the coordination of green--when my mom was looking through her clothes, she just knew.  and then i found that picture 18x24 picture of her in her green dress and scarf, rolled up and waiting.  legaci singing "Mama" and "Thank You" and the one tag that read "The Legacy" when louie's mom bought the flowers.  louie's mom making the flower arrangements and louie having a frame for her picture.  claire being a candle bearer.  

a part of me still doesn't believe that i won't be able to hug her or hold her hand.  that i won't see her in the kitchen cooking for us or be able to sit next to her and watch Lingo or That's my Baby on the television.  i guess that's how it always is.  no matter how much time you have to "prepare," when the time comes, you are never really ready.  i'm just thankful that God let us have her for as long as He did.                 

my grandmother passed away at 8:15 this morning.  i love her.  i miss her.

not a eulogy.

my grandmother's kidneys are failing.  she's having trouble breathing and her blood oxygen levels are low.  she has too much potassium in her body.  she has severe pneumonia.  the cancer has spread.

yesterday my dad asked her if she knew who i was and she said, "crystal." and when we said, "i love you, mama," she said, "i love you, too."  when i was alone with her she said, "if i die, i die.  what can you do?  i'm in the hospital--i'm going to die.  what can you do?  if i die, i die.  if i die, i die."  and i didn't know how to tell her it was okay and not to be scared because i was scared.  

and she told the tech that i wanted to kick in the balls and slap in the face because he's an insensitive, inattentive bastard asshole, "don't worry about me.  i'm a strong woman.  i'll do anything you want.."  and the asshole answered as if she was crazy, "okay.  except you kept gripping when i told you to relax. but okay," with the smuggest look on his red asshole face that said, "you don't know what you're talking about lady.  you're just an old incoherent hospital patient."  

my grandmother does know.  she hears us.  she told me to tell them after that bitch was done drawing her blood and not doing a damn thing to talk to her and help her relax her arm while he kept sticking that needle in her, "you tell them i understand."

last night my grandma could barely nod.  breathing was too hard for her.  she doesn't want a ventilator.  my grandmother has a DNR.  i don't blame her.  i want her to be back with her real doctor.  

i want my grandma to live.  i want my grandma to die.  i don't want her to suffer anymore.  i don't want her to be scared and panic everytime a strange nurse or tech comes into the room with no regard or sensitivity.  i don't want her to be in so much pain.  i don't want breathing to hurt.  i want her to see my sister's daughter and hold her and talk to her.  i want Divinity Aurora to call her "mama" like we do.  i want her to see me graduate.  i want her to visit my apartment.  i want her.

for some reason, and jeannette also feels it, something in me is saying that she's not going, yet.  but is it because that's what we want?  are we in denial?  are we keeping her here?  i feel like it's not time for goodbye, yet.