November 16, 2003

• not a eulogy.

  
  

  my grandmother's kidneys are failing.  she's having trouble breathing and her blood oxygen levels are low.  she has too much potassium in her body.  she has severe pneumonia.  the cancer has spread.

  
  

  
  yesterday my dad asked her if she knew who i was and she said, "crystal." and when we said, "i love you, mama," she said, "i love you, too."  when i was alone with her she said, "if i die, i die.  what can you do?  i'm in the hospital--i'm going to die.  what can you do?  if i die, i die.  if i die, i die."  and i didn't know how to tell her it was okay and not to be scared because i was scared.  

  
  

  
  and she told the tech that i wanted to kick in the balls and slap in the face because he's an insensitive, inattentive bastard asshole, "don't worry about me.  i'm a strong woman.  i'll do anything you want.."  and the asshole answered as if she was crazy, "okay.  except you kept gripping when i told you to relax. but okay," with the smuggest look on his red asshole face that said, "you don't know what you're talking about lady.  you're just an old incoherent hospital patient."  

  
  

  
  my grandmother does know.  she hears us.  she told me to tell them after that bitch was done drawing her blood and not doing a damn thing to talk to her and help her relax her arm while he kept sticking that needle in her, "you tell them i understand."

  
  

  
  last night my grandma could barely nod.  breathing was too hard for her.  she doesn't want a ventilator.  my grandmother has a DNR.  i don't blame her.  i want her to be back with her real doctor.  
  

  
  

  i want my grandma to live.  i want my grandma to die.  i don't want her to suffer anymore.  i don't want her to be scared and panic everytime a strange nurse or tech comes into the room with no regard or sensitivity.  i don't want her to be in so much pain.  i don't want breathing to hurt.  i want her to see my sister's daughter and hold her and talk to her.  i want Divinity Aurora to call her "mama" like we do.  i want her to see me graduate.  i want her to visit my apartment.  i want her.

  
  

  for some reason, and jeannette also feels it, something in me is saying that she's not going, yet.  but is it because that's what we want?  are we in denial?  are we keeping her here?  i feel like it's not time for goodbye, yet.    
  
   

  • 12:04 pm
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