Happy 31st Birthday to Vic!

Happy Birthday to my Mama.  She would have been 78.

(made last year by sister, raquel)

this
background
color reminds
me of louie
and the chesire
 cat.

so i think i've
worked it
out with haze
and 50 because
one is calling and
the other is showing up.

once we've moved
in
i'm thinking we can
have a house-
warming cranium
party.

i like putting
line breaks
in prose.  i think i'll start
doing it in my fiction.

cheers to graduating.

do pick up random
notes on the ground from the bunny butter
motorcycle gang, who want to park where they can
"keep an eye on our bikes," while you're walking
drunk from tasting
five kinds of beers and choosing one
that becomes spicy with the garlic fries--
you can cheat
by offering sips and tasting-shot-glass fulls to others--
climb across the rail car stops
and talk pictures and dance hip hop
to the sounds of fire truck and tires on san franciscan streets
under a random street light near the lights of the bay
bridge and a bow and arrow sculpture
with two friends who were strangers and who more
likely than not will become strangers again in the years to come.

an odd
feeling.
it's like my mind
is ever clear
but something is

messing up
the synapses

from neurons to nerves
mouth body.

sleepy.

after a little more
than a year of living
with my homie-lover-friend i will,
in addition to him, be gaining
a homie-roommate-friend.

two boys
and me.
i will exercise my feminity.

today, louie, joel, and I met with our future landlord and signed the lease.  the place is officially ours on monday july 19.  it's... cozy, but we're paying an excellent rent given san francisco housing costs.  i will finally have a bedroom again after over a year in the studio and 3 years in the USF dormitories.  it's in a residential neighborhood, off the street, with a garden view, and mini-courtyard with a bbq that we share with the neighbors.  i'm excited!  

it's so
frustrating
when you work so
hard
to prove
people wrong
and you realize

maybe they were right.

my basketball players are making me feel so... so...  and so, so .  i was ready to quit on thursday when none of them showed up.  instead i cancelled my session with 50 on friday and told them not to be late for a meeting on monday.  i no longer feel like cussing their faces off or scream-crying into a pillow because i know it's partly my fault for not telling them off every time they came late.  and i know they can't help but feel like they can get away with anything.  must lay the smack down--or i guess the smack-up on them.

don't forget to welcome joel
(aka Bill the Lizard)
into the xanga neighborhood! .

sometimes i have dreams
about people that make me
feel really off. 
like i can't look at them the same 
and feel awkward talking to them
 in the waking
for a while because even though
the dream was just that
it still feels really weird.

when i was in elementary school, i dreamt that my music teacher, mr. mikaido, tried to touch me.  my fifth grade teacher, mr. samuel, walked in and helped/saved me and i cried in his arms.  for a couple of weeks, i was uncomfortable around both teachers.

one dream in which louie cheated on me, he was with __________.  the dream was so vivid and graphic and so emotionally draining that i woke up and cried.  i couldn't look at ____________ the same for a while because she was one of those girls who you would expect guys to like and i felt extremely jealous.  i also got mad at him--i guess i was projecting my anger at dream louie onto waking louie.

there was this guy i had a weird crush on.  i say weird because he wasn't that attractive.  i dreamt that he raped me.  the crush was over after that.  i couldn't talk to him for a long time.

i've had dreams about being with other guys.  the funny thing is, in practically all of these dreams, i am also aware that i am still with louie, and i have to deal with the guilt and hurt that it causes dream louie.  then i wake up feeling guilty and feeling weird being with louie because i feel bad.

feeling thankful.

after weeks of feeling lost, things seem to be falling into place for me.  thank you, Lord, for teaching me to be patient and humble during this time.

i began applying before
i graduated.
i was rejected from 2 program assistant
(aka secretarial)
positions at my school.  i
 didn't even get interviews. 

i decided to ask kimberly (the english/honors program assistant) if she needed help over the summer and she told me i could cover for her when she went on vacation.  i originally signed on to be a regular shift tour guide (which meant 2 tours a day for an hour and awkward scheduling around that). 

i emailed my english professors asking if they needed a research assistant.  dr. fung approaches me before the year ends.  dr. seeley approaches me on graduation day.  the following week, dr. hill calls me because dr. seeley recommended me to her when dr. hill asked around the department about someone who could tutor the basketball players and kimberly also told her i would be good for the job.  i wasn't supposed to hear about it for a couple weeks, except dr. hill sped the process up to a couple hours because the papers were due the next week (which became the next next week).  when i met with dr. fung last week, she told me that dr. hill needed help researching stuff, too, and now dr. hill will be calling me this week about it.  she is also trying to get me hired as a tutor for longer than just the summer.

because of my other work and me going out of town for a couple of weeks out of the summer, sarah decided to just give the regular shifts to someone who has a more open schedule, so now i am just on the special tours roster.  i'm happy because i don't really want to give tours on a regular basis.

i had submitted an AmeriCorps application to a program that has sites in the Bay Area.  i was too swamped with work and projects and school to finish the separate application packet and when i emailed her a month later, she said that they only had positions in watsonville left.  a few days after that, i received an email from the SF site coordinator, to whom i had sent an email asking if their was anything special i should do to work in SF, saying he had some openings.  i finished the application, took care of what i needed to take care of, faxed the stuff to him yesterday and mailed the other copy to baltimore to speed up the process, and i have a lunch interview with him on thursday.  this program starts on september 1st, which is just in time because after the summer ends, i can no longer work as a student worker--which means i can no longer be a research assistant or work as a student assistant in the english office.

the possibilities for what i'm going to do in the next three or four years are really open, and that's scary because i've been feeling like i have no direction right now.  i know that i should appreciate the fact that i have options, instead of panicking because i don't have a set schedule of classes and work and extracurricular activities. 

i know that i want to teach; i'm still not sure what grade.  at least i have--hopefully--AmeriCorps to help me figure that out and to give me a lil' cash and experience.  i think i eventually want to teach at the junior college or university level.  i know that i will get an MFA after louie gets his degree; right now, i'm not ready to decide whether i should stay in the area or go out of state, nor am i ready to talk about what it would mean for our relationship if i were to go to massachussetts or alaska or texas or where ever i end up for graduate school.  so i'm a little thankful that he has changed majors and transferring schools, if only for the fact that it buys me--maybe even us--a little more time.