STRAYING FROM THE FLOCK & ASKING TO BE RESCUED...

Ever since going to church stopped being a choice or a request and turned into a demand, I've found myself less and less motivated to go.  The last two years of high school, I went to church pretty much every Sunday out of my own free will.  When I started college, I started to slack, but I still felt the urge to go and would sometimes attend mass by myself.  It hurts not to feel that connection and to feel resentment in its place.  I know that it should not have mattered whether it was "We are going to church on Sunday." or "Would you like to come to church with us on Sunday?" but with each command, as opposed to interrogative, it felt less and less like I was going because I wanted to and more and more like I was kid being dragged there.  It feels like part of me is missing, and I need to mend myself.
 

 

i think i'm starting to forget.

i'm stuck. at a time when it seems like the people around me are finally finding themselves, and what i mean by this--because you always have to qualify what you're saying when you reach for the cliches because otherwise people won't really know what you're talking about because cliches are, in a way, universal truths (that is what has made them last so long as to become cliche)--is asserting who they are as individuals and not just extensions of their parents/families/whatever-other-social-structure-that-semi-defined-how-they-lived/acted/thought/felt, and knowing what is they want out this existence and going after it, i find myself lost. it used to be the other way around, when i thought i had already found direction, while others were still struggling. i still see it in front of me, getting my MFA and writing for the rest of my life, regardless of the financial/emotional/physical state i may find myself in. but it's fading and i'm losing myself.

i used to get so frustrated and annoyed, i still do, when people would question why instead of finding a job, making money, having enough health insurance to sustain this already rickety though only 23 package that's holding all my insides in, i'm choosing to commit myself to teaching in a dangerous neighborhood, in an inadequately funded school, with overworked staff, and students who range from bitchy, spoiled ingrates to developmentally stunted three-grade-levels-behind kids who have undiagnosed disorders to quiet, neglected, "middle"-and-therefore-okay students who are stuck in the middle and don't get the attention and affirmation that they need, for less than minimum wage and overtime hours. and i think to myself, "why can't you do the same?" for a while, i really couldn't understand how some people, who are living comfortably enough to be able to take the time and talk about how much worse off other people were, didn't get out there to do something about it and turn their sympathy into empathy. why not take 20 minutes to visit a women's shelter and chat with them over stale pie? why not take 10 minutes to sing a couple songs in an senior citizen shelter? what's 30 minutes spent making christmas cards to be sent to patients at a children's hospital? there are so many ways to serve, so why can't you find a way to do it?

now, as most things eventually show themselves to be, i realize it's not as simple as that. the more service work i do, the more committed i feel, and the more you commit yourself to someone/something other than yourself, the more you risk losing your own personal goals in helping fulfill those of others, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i guess it just depends on what you want. as appealing as being called "a renaissance man/woman" is, perfecting one craft takes immense discipline, practice, and concentration, which you can't achieve when you're spreading yourself over 3 or 4 or more different things, you eventually have to make sacrifices. i've been taking personality tests since i was in junior high school, and for the first time i scored as an "extrovert," though only slight, it's a big deal to me, because at the core, i am introverted. being with people is overwhelming for me; it's exhausting. but because my service work has for the most part been direct and social, i've learned to adapt to the extroverted lifestyle to the point that this facade is molded perfectly over my internal/interior preferences. and i'm not sure i want that.

i don't know how to balance myself, and right now it feels like i have to choose between my own dreams and the dreams i have for others.

my feet are resting on my tower as i type.

yesterday evening louie and i ate some burritos on the beach.

today one of my third graders said, "why do you always were those shoes and high heels?"  and say, "why? you don't like high heels?"  and he says, "no.  i don't like high heels."  and i'm like, "i don't always wear high heels, sometimes i wear sneakers." 

i wore a skirt again for the second time in two weeks, yay for the weather.  i have most of the windows open in the apartment, and it is so ahhhhhhh... in here =).  it makes me wish i had a deck to chill on with a martini (or whatever alcoholic beverage it is that one consumes while lounging outside) in hand. 

all the highlights -slash- interesting/weird/cool/out-of-ordinary stuff for this week--

Monday, March 07:

i got my CBEST scores and passed (see this entry).
this was my jury duty summons date (or first of 5 dates, i guess, because of the way SF jury duty works). didn't have to go on this day & later i found out i didn't have to go in on tues (yay! 2 days down, 5 to go).

Tuesday, March 08:

shooting near my work by two gangs from the western addition over turf issues less than 10 minutes before the end of the school day (see this entry).
got my official cbest scores in the mail.
forgot to check if i had to show up at the courthouse.

Wednesday, March 09:

walking to the bus stop on the way to work, there were some guys doing construction or something. on guy was climbing up a ladder that was leaning against the side of a building. another guy was under the ladder, holding it steady. as i walk by, guy holding the ladder starts thrusting his hips forward & moaning, until he finally reaches his imaginary orgasm with a loud groan behind, and his buddies laugh.
after work, i remember that i forgot to check my jury duty group and keep my fingers crossed until i find out i just need to recheck on thursday, but there are only a few groups left (4 down, 1 to go!).

Thursday, March 10:

day 1 of catsitting.
i call the jury duty number and have to show up to court by 9:30am on Friday. sucks, sucks, sucks.

Friday, March 11:

go to jury duty and am in the selection pool for a case that would last through may 2nd. talked to the judge and got excused basically because i am americorps poor--i got a sheet that had a check mark next to "excused" and "financial situation" was circled as the reasoning. yay full-time volunteer work (i guess).
got my exercise on by walking a mile in 80 degree weather from the courtcouse to a bus stop on market st. took the 5 down to fulton & 6th and walked another third of a mile to apartment and hung out with for a bit. we fight, make up, and i go back to my professor's house to feed the cats & get ready to go back to vallejo.
i offered my pb&j sandwich to a homeless man digging in a garbage can for cans & stuff at first he took it, then he gave it back and said to give to someone who needed it more because "i'm not hungry right now." this is just one example of why i have such respect for the homeless.

Saturday, March 12:

get up at 7:28am to get ready for a free disaster preparedness & adult cpr training course by the red cross because it's preparedness saturday and i don't have to pay the $45. after sharing, caring for, and half making out with the same limbless mannequin for over an hour, louie & i are now officially certified. and i think i'm on a half-ass mission to create a disaster kit for my apt. & encourage my family in vallejo to do the same. i was almost nervous on the ferry back to SF because the cpr trainer i was with used the ferry as an example, a couple of times, of when one might have to use our training.
while i was waiting for the bus to my prof's house, a guy, who was apparently selling pet clothing & accessories, asked me for some money for a slice of pizza. i gave him a dollar and he offered me something from his stuff, "on the house." he gave me a keychain with a dog on one side and "woof" on the other side. he introduced himself & as i reached out to shake his hand, he kissed mine and told me to be safe.

Sunday, March 13:

i got up at 6:30 this morning without having to fight myself to wake. it's only 11:40 and i've fed the cats, scooped their litter boxes, taken out the garbage & recycling, eaten breakfast, tidied up, caught up on my xanga-ing and xanga-reading, packed up my stuff to go home, and right now i'm doing laundry (the sheets and towels i used as well as my clothes) and eating lunch (a new recipe of pasta shells tossed with olive oil, salt, pepper, sauteed jalapeno & shallots, crumbled bacon, & freshly grated parmesan. it's oh so yummy!).

oh yeah, humphry (treat this pic like a where's waldo?):

decided to jump onto my lap because he's in one of his "pay attention to me! pet me! let me wipe my eye on you! pet me!" moods, and upon finding that my thighs didn't make as solid landing ground as he expected, used his claws to steady himself, and in the process stabbed into my thigh. one of his claws drew blood, and because i couldn't find any iodine, hydrogen peroxide, or alcohol, i used a moist towelette to clean it and some hand sanitizer to kill any bacteria.
okay i'm off to check on the laundry & run the dishwasher and do other productively fun stuff =).

PS here is a picture of humphry with violet:



PPS i might be back later today with a couple pics of their house because it's so awesome.

yesterday there was a shooting down the street
& around the corner from my school
(where i work).  this happened less than 10 
minutes before classes got out.  i'd never heard
(semi?)automatic gunfire in real life and i didn't
know what it was until i saw people run down
the street away from where the sounds came
from.  thank God the kids were still in class
because we were able to keep them all in the
school building until after things "calmed" down. 
you can probably find more info on it online;
there were news vans & 'copters around the
 school.  look up "mission shooting" or something;
i'm too drained right now to find out what went
down. 

i PASSED the Ceeeeee-BEST! 
i PASSED the Ceeeeee-BEST!
i PASSED the CBEST!
woot woot!

I got a 62 on the Reading Section,
a 67 on the Math Section,
and a 63 on the Writing Section =D!
(You need a total of 123 to pass
& a minimum of 37 on each section.)
I am officially qualifed to substitute teach!

Next is the Multiple Subject CSET:
3 Subtests @ $72 a pop is painful, so
I'm gonna take my time and take one
subtest at a testing date time, so hopefully
I pass all three.
In May will be Science & Math;
In September, I'll probably go for PE, Human
development, & Visual & Performing Arts;
November shall be English & Literature,
History, and Social Science.
If all works out, I'll be turning in my app to USF's
School of Ed for my credentials and a master's,
perhaps as an AmeriCorps intern teacher.

It feels good to have a tentative sense of direction.

Solving this jigsaw puzzle and posting about this sweepstakes for Big Red makes me eligible for free Xanga Premium for life...

My best friend decided that for my birthday we're going to Fluid Ultra Lounge tomorrow night.  If you RSVP using the link below to get on the guest list, girls get in free before 10:30pm & $10 off the rest of the night, and guys get $10 off the cover the whole night.

http://www.fluidsf.com/smg/

You have until 8pm tomorrow to get on the VIP list.  Come if you wanna and maybe we'll bump into each other.

Love,
Crystal

Happy Birthday
Marilu!

this is her from her wedding.

click here to give her some birthday greetings.

 

 

Happy Birthday,
Tarah Ann!


This is us in... um... 10th grade.  =)

click here to send her your bday greetings.