January 7, 2007

  • message from the past

    i feel incomplete. directionless. it doesn't seem like a good place to be at the beginning of a new year, but i think it is. there have been so many times when i thought i knew what i was doing, where i was going. then all of a sudden i find myself in a completely different place than where i had wanted, expected, hoped to be. i guess i get so caught up planning that things tend not to get carried through. i get so involved in writing and re-writing the lists that comprise my life that i never get around to doing these things. i think that's probably the best way in which i can describe where i am. a stack of loose leaf pages filled with check-lists that are lacking in the definitive presence of checkmarks, signs of completion, of accomplishment.

    i think part of this is because i do too much. my time is so filled. i think maybe that's why i always try to force louie to just sit with me. he gets so frustrated sometimes because he's bored. maybe's that's why i don't mind the long commute to both of my jobs. the bus rides are my quiet time. these past few days my physical health kept me from going to work. i jammed my wrist. my two month cough culminated in a chest x-ray, a new set of inhalers, and antibiotics that have been making me nauseous to the point of vomitting. albeit the physical discomfort, however, i finally feel like i'm getting a sense of myself back. that i'm close to regaining my center. i needed that stillness. i feel so much like old-fashioned taffy forever getting stretched out by that weird spinning machine.

    not to long ago i received the following email. and not surprisingly, it's a list. however, unlike the ones that i use to try to manage my time in ways that are actually, well, quite unmanageable... some of these things make me feel anchored and secured, some help me feel a sense of underlying direction no matter where things are presently going, and some just make me . it's good to see how some things stay the same and to know that some things won't.

    Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive this message, which has been preserved for a year in the Forbes.com E-Mail Time Capsule. For more details, visit http://www.forbes.com/capsule

    Here is the text of your message:

    1) Your greatest passion is writing. I hope you haven't forgotten.

    2) You're in love with Louie and have been since 11th grade.

    21) I call Louie's mom Yori but don't call Louie's dad anything.

    22) Kodoben, Toby, Snoopy, Mr. Hoppity, Bubbaluscious, Siren, other girl whose name I've forgotten, Bear, Prince, Mara, Mut-Mut, Bruno, Basil, Carnataur, Skunk, Female, Caspian, Angel... do you remember the species of each of these pets?

    25) There is one weiner in my apartment

    26) Some movies/shows/books you liked: Wedding Day, Lost, Cold Case, House, A Room with a View, We Were the Mulvaneys, The Lost Boy, Animal Planet's The Most Extreme, Food Network, TLC What Not to Wear & 10 Years Younger, Closer, Love Actually, Connie & Carla, The Story of Us, The Other Sister, White Chicks

    27) Are you happy?

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