October 3, 2006
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That I'll Remember
During the drive home to San Francisco last night I brought up how the memory of physical pain is not the same as actually feeling it again. Your recollection is of the idea of pain, of how (as Louie put it) it hurt. I asked him why emotional pain is different. I asked him, “How come when you remember emotional pain it hurts all over again?” Louie answered, “Because emotional wounds never really heal.”
The hurt from when my grandmother died still feels fresh, still feels raw. And with all that’s happened, that is happening, it’s like the cut is getting deeper. I’m not scarred. Because before you can scar, your wounds need to close.
When Micah’s mother died—No, even before. As she was fighting for life in the hospital and had a tube in her lungs helping her breathe and we found out her kidneys had been eaten away. As she smiled through the pain even though her new life meant spending three days out of each week in dialysis and having to give up the independence that defined who she was to the two sons she had raised on her own. As she found herself gasping for the final breath in the same hospital where I told my grandmother that it was okay for her to go, even though, secretly, I was terrified of life without her physical presence. The hurt tore even more open. The hurt of seeing Auntie Mona suffer. The hurt of seeing the pain in her loved ones’ faces as they pulled strength from sources within themselves that they probably didn’t even know existed. The hurt of remembering how even when you think you’re prepared, the grief still runs you over. And you’re left dazed and lost, and the only thing you know as real is the ache, the loss, the emptiness that feels more tangible than the metaphor presumes.
By some grace of God, the ambulance bringing Louie’s grandmother to the hospital pulled in front of us while we were on the freeway, even though we had left later than everyone else. The light was on in the back and we could see her so clearly on the gurney as we followed. She had an oxygen mask over her face. Her eyes were shut and her face showed only the slightest hint of discomfort. Everything looked white on her side of the ambulance. I think the peacefulness of this image scared me. I was crying and yelling at her through the windshield and clutching Louie’s hand as we recited prayers that I’d almost forgotten. Sometimes, it feels like I’m only grasping at faith because I’ve been so shaken.
I’m so thankful that she is stable now, that she got to the hospital in time, that she is smiling and making inappropriate jokes, like asking if her declining appetite means anorexia and saying that women get themselves into trouble because they have two sets of lips. I’m also thankful for the security woman at the emergency room who came outside and tried to comfort me as I was crying against the wall, and who, even though only one visitor was allowed at a time, took me through a different door to see Louie’s grandmother.
I am still aching. I’m aching for my grandmother. I’m aching for Auntie Mona. And I’m still scared. I’m afraid that this hurt I’ve been nursing over the past three years will grow wider and tear deeper into me. But I guess there is some comfort to be found in knowing that these kinds of wounds will never heal; it means that I’ll never forget, that I’ll always remember.
Comments (1)
Aww..Crissy.. it is alot of heartache to remember these trials. I go through this all the time and still think about how much I miss auntie mona. everything about her I loved. I always remember that all things happen according to God's will. And although we don't see the whole picture and become bitter sometimes we can always remember that the Lord is near and that He will never give us a trial to big that we cannot handle. That's were His supernatural power of strength comes in and takes hold of you..in all trials He just want you to call His name and find comfort in Him alone. There is peace that surpasses all understanding and it only comes from Him. If ever you don't understand you can just open the Bible and find the truth through His word. 2 Timothy 3:16 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;"
And when you realize His purpose in the Bible..you will know that out of all the people in this world that felt pain and endured it was Jesus Christ. He was burdened to save us because all humans have sinnned against the living God and had offended Him in so many ways that we all deserve to die and go to hell. But because of His mercy and grace we can live in hope that Christ can lift up our pain and suffering to be made a renewing of mind. And that's what happens when we are saved by His grace..we have a new mind and a new heart, knowing that God can cause all things to work out for good to the glory of His name.
Crys, if nothing helps you and feeds knowledge to you..you're always welcome to come to our church and learn more about His abundant grace. I know Auntie Mona's niece Tria was very sad of her loss and decided to go to our church after what had happen. We see her during evening service at 6pm. It's always encouraging to see someone go through this and run to God to seek His truth. I was there when they had pulled her tubes with the family and believe me that was the first time I'd ever experience that. And I was hurt that time but was comforted that she knew Christ. God allowed her to believe in Him and worship Him forever til this day. She is singing and praising her Lord in Heaven who is seated on the throne and that is the best place to be..under God's authority.
"And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away. And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am makind all things new." And He said,"Write, for these words are faithful and true." -Revelation 21:4-5