March 23, 2005

• i think i'm starting to forget.

  i'm stuck. at a time when it seems like the people around me are finally finding themselves, and what i mean by this--because you always have to qualify what you're saying when you reach for the cliches because otherwise people won't really know what you're talking about because cliches are, in a way, universal truths (that is what has made them last so long as to become cliche)--is asserting who they are as individuals and not just extensions of their parents/families/whatever-other-social-structure-that-semi-defined-how-they-lived/acted/thought/felt, and knowing what is they want out this existence and going after it, i find myself lost. it used to be the other way around, when i thought i had already found direction, while others were still struggling. i still see it in front of me, getting my MFA and writing for the rest of my life, regardless of the financial/emotional/physical state i may find myself in. but it's fading and i'm losing myself.

  i used to get so frustrated and annoyed, i still do, when people would question why instead of finding a job, making money, having enough health insurance to sustain this already rickety though only 23 package that's holding all my insides in, i'm choosing to commit myself to teaching in a dangerous neighborhood, in an inadequately funded school, with overworked staff, and students who range from bitchy, spoiled ingrates to developmentally stunted three-grade-levels-behind kids who have undiagnosed disorders to quiet, neglected, "middle"-and-therefore-okay students who are stuck in the middle and don't get the attention and affirmation that they need, for less than minimum wage and overtime hours. and i think to myself, "why can't you do the same?" for a while, i really couldn't understand how some people, who are living comfortably enough to be able to take the time and talk about how much worse off other people were, didn't get out there to do something about it and turn their sympathy into empathy. why not take 20 minutes to visit a women's shelter and chat with them over stale pie? why not take 10 minutes to sing a couple songs in an senior citizen shelter? what's 30 minutes spent making christmas cards to be sent to patients at a children's hospital? there are so many ways to serve, so why can't you find a way to do it?

  now, as most things eventually show themselves to be, i realize it's not as simple as that. the more service work i do, the more committed i feel, and the more you commit yourself to someone/something other than yourself, the more you risk losing your own personal goals in helping fulfill those of others, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i guess it just depends on what you want. as appealing as being called "a renaissance man/woman" is, perfecting one craft takes immense discipline, practice, and concentration, which you can't achieve when you're spreading yourself over 3 or 4 or more different things, you eventually have to make sacrifices. i've been taking personality tests since i was in junior high school, and for the first time i scored as an "extrovert," though only slight, it's a big deal to me, because at the core, i am introverted. being with people is overwhelming for me; it's exhausting. but because my service work has for the most part been direct and social, i've learned to adapt to the extroverted lifestyle to the point that this facade is molded perfectly over my internal/interior preferences. and i'm not sure i want that.

  i don't know how to balance myself, and right now it feels like i have to choose between my own dreams and the dreams i have for others.

  • 10:28 pm
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