January 17, 2005

• confession.
  
  i've come to realize that i can be very vindictive and unforgiving.  when someone hurts me or someone i care about, it's hard for me to forget or let it go.  once it happens, my perception/opinion of and reactions to whoever has done it changes dramatically, and i'm hard pressed to exhibit the same warmth, understanding, and caring that i usually have toward people with whom i develop relationships.  i can still be civil, respectful, even considerate, but i find myself having to fight back the urge to snap back and denigrate every single flaw and annoying idiosyncracy that that person posesses.  i'm usually very patient and more than tolerant, easygoing even, but with these few specific people, the littlest thing can set me off.  i control these urges mostly by spending bits of my free time imagining arguments in which i tell *someone* off or even engage in a little pushing, slapping, even punching.  a part of me feels the tiniest bit guilty.  another part of is saying i shouldn't let people affect me in such a way.  yet a third part vindicates these mock-confrontations because as freud would say, it's okay to have these thoughts; it's only when you act upon them that they become sociopathic. 

  
  

   

  • 3:47 am
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