June 4, 2004

  • morbid curiosity, i guess.


    i remember sitting on a couch with louie during the first year of our relationship and looking through one of his yearbooks.  on each page, i would ask him to point out which girls he used to like. 


    after that, everytime we talked to or ran into one of these girls, i would wonder and i'd feel jealous.  the hard thing is that i could never hate any of the girls he liked--they are gorgeous, sweet, funny; some of them were my friends, at least acquaintances/classmates.  eventually i got over most of them. except for one that is on a pedestal even in my mind, and that is because she was a crush that recurred in the second or third year of my relationship with louie, which says so much about that kind of person she is.  louie is not one to like girls who are stupid or shallow or insincere or stupid or slutty or who have any other quality that would make it jusitifiable for me to silently talk shit in my head everytime i saw her. 


    it'd be easier if he were eyeing some dumb slut, because then i'd know that he'd have no reason to regret not having the chance to pursue her; the emotional and pyschological interest wouldn't be there.  she'd just be eye candy; the whole i wanna look but i wouldn't touch, thing.  i did use to get jealous whenever i'd see his eyes follow a pretty girl walking by, but if that girl was pretty enough for me to notice, why shouldn't he?  eye candy is just that, and now physical attractiveness is more like a game with me.  i like trying to guess whether he thinks a girl is pretty or not and i've developed a pretty good sense of his tastes, just as he knows when i find someone attractive. 


    but liking is so much more.  and i don't know why i ever let myself find out who he liked before we got together.  that was just stupid, because now everytime i see ___________, i wonder.  because she's the one he wanted first and there was something special there.  a part of me still wonders whether he should be with that other person and not me, and i'm not so sure that will ever go away, because this girl, too, is a person i admire.


    yes, i've been with him for five years, a couple more weeks than that even.  but that doesn't mean that all insecurities will die down; the more superficial ones, yes; the ones that occur in the beginning of a relationship, before trust and understanding develop, yes.  when one has something that is very precious, fears are inevitable.  i've just learned to accept that emotions are not things to be controlled; you can't help how you feel.  what you can determine is how you will act.  i choose the more mature action of calmly xanga-ing about, rather than whining, brooding, and questioning by myself until i feel so hurt that i blame louie for it when it is not his fault.  that was high school and early college crystal.  this is mature, articulate, collected college graduate crystal ;) . 


       


     

Comments (2)

  • i am DIGGIN this entry.  I think MOST _normal_ women have gone through these feelings before.  I'm moving onto year 3 and still can't shake those insecurities that sneak in whenever I meet one of his beautiful med student friends.  yeesh.  *shudder*

    emotions cannot be controlled, but if trust truly does exist, that's what will make things last. :)

  • I read your comment on thejohn. I too went through a grandparent dying of cancer. At the end she asked for morphine and we knew she'd had enough. She was at home. I lay down on her bed next to her and talked to her and held her hand through her coma until she died. There comes a point where you have to let go.

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